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| < < If most of these don't crack you up, you need 911. > > | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 11:47 am |
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1st Post |
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tny795 3T WIS 
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you -------- me? ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: H e was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________________________________ And the best for last: ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: H ow can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 12:09 pm |
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2nd Post |
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pacifichrono 3T WIS 
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I love it! They're great. 
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 01:07 pm |
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3rd Post |
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BOSCHETT 3T WIS 
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Just fabulous! :D
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 01:36 pm |
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4th Post |
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kdsarch 3T WIS 
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Those are awesome.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 03:12 pm |
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5th Post |
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hucky 3T WIS 
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The last one is Great! 
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 05:45 pm |
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6th Post |
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sleddog218 3T WIS
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I think I've seen this list about a half-dozen times, but it still cracks me up every time!
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18th, 2008 01:34 pm |
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7th Post |
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aloy 3T WIS 
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LOL!!! Absolutely unreal!! Those attorneys' lines were hilarious!!!! :D :D :D Thanks so much tny! :D  Last edited on Sat Oct 18th, 2008 01:35 pm by aloy |
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